On Books (And Their Titles)

I, Ms Super Contrarian, Defier of Well-Known Idioms, totally judge books by their covers.

I don't think of it as being superficial so much as literately snobby: I don't care if a book cover is old and ugly and tattered, and I love used books because there's so much history in them (whether it's true or not - it might just be my imagination running wild and creating an entire backstory for how a used book was bought and read and cherished and fell off a bookshelf and eventually found its lonely way to a used bookstore but that is, unfortunately, the way that my imagination runs), but hell to the yes I DO care if a book looks tacky.

Examples of tacky include:
- Chick Lit: First of all, I despise this genre even if I didn't find the covers tacky, because it is generic, insipid, and quite frankly insulting to my entire gender. So I don't buy chick lit, or, whether it's chick lit or not, books that have any sassy graphics of lipsticks and high heels and diamonds on the cover. Although I am actually quite fond of sassiness, lipstick, high heels and diamonds in real life, I totally resent the fact that some publisher out there is trying to exploit my love of these fabulously girly things to trick me into buying a shit book. 

 

 I say no. Nononononononononono.

- Books with the movie adaptation poster as the cover: The books are always better than the movie, so why reference the lesser? Also, I don't know if there is anyone who actually goes out of their way to actually buy the book WITH the movie cover, but I do know that I specifically go out of my way to AVOID AT ALL COSTS buying the book with the movie cover. If it's between buying the book with the movie cover and not buying the book at all: I won't buy the book at all. So why bother publishing the book with the movie cover, other than as a cheap way to advertise the movie and drum up book sales in anticipation of the movie? (Alright, so that's why. But still! I refuse to play! I may watch the movie and I may read the book, but I reject the industry's trying to mix up the two mediums!)

I also say no. Even though Leonardo DiCaprio is very handsome as Gatsby. I say give me the not-handsome and kinda creepy eyes of the original cover.

- Fifty shades of S&M/Twilight vampire covers: I cannot believe that we live in a world where these are actually things, but things they are. Once at Barnes & Noble I came across an entire table of Fifty Shades of Grey rip-offs. Really? Really?! Are there people who are that addicted to S&M porn lit that they need an entire table of it, all with similar covers, you know, in case they get confused about which books in their libraries are the S&M ones? I refuse to buy. REFUSE! I refuse so much that when I read Fifty Shades of Grey it was an illicit PDF version (hey, I didn't say I refuse to READ it). I couldn't finish it because the writing was so terrible, though, and had to make someone who had already read the book tell me what happened. Same with the Twilight books, though for that, I just watched the movies. You know, to find out what happened. Not just to see Robert Pattinson in the movie version. Robert who? I actually don't even know his full name.

Please tell me I'm not the only who's seeing this. I'm not, right?! Even Interview With the Vampire, the grand-daddy of vampire books, has been given a teen-vampire makeover.

 
But the number one factor that I REALLY judge books by: their titles. I think I've amassed enough books to classify myself a collector of Books with Awesome Titles. Though awesome book titles do not always translate into awesome books, I feel less cheated by a not-awesome book when I know that at least the author had good intentions, and at least put in a lot of effort with their title.

The top 10 best titles so far:

10. The Solitude of Prime Numbers by Paolo Giordano
(But book was meh.)

9. The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
(Also meh. Set in Paris, though, if you like books set in Paris.)
  
8. Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl
(Loved this; totally lived up to its title expectations. Apparently was supposed to be made into a movie. If it is - BUY THE ORIGINAL COVER.) 

7. Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart
(Was expecting a dystopian Romeo & Juliet-type affair. Umm. Not what I got. Though it was very dystopic.)

6. The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender
(I remember I bought this book because it had an interesting title, but also because I was hungry and wandered into Kinokuniya during a lunch break in fasting month. The plot has an interesting concept - about a little girl who suddenly develops the ability to taste feelings in food; as in taste what the baker/cook was feeling when they baked/cooked it - but then the author veered into magic realism territory, and failed terribly at it. Terribly.)

5. The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
(One of my favourites; already reviewed here.)

4. The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul by Douglas Adams
(It's Douglas Adams! Of course I loved this. I could probably read his grocery lists and howl with laughter (albeit like a lunatic).)

3. How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe by Charles Yu
(Alas, didn't like the book - it was too metaphysical and new age-y.)

2. An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England by Brock Clarke
(Mehhhh.)

1. The Library of Unrequited Love by Sophie Divry 
(A trippy soliloquy of a very lonely librarian, who is ultimately not terribly interesting. But a library! Of unrequited love! Does that not sound like the most magical thing ever?!)

Honourable mentions: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky; The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year by Sue Townsend; The Notable Brain of Maximilian Ponder by J.W. Ironmonger; The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin; The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley; The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai


Looking at the track record above, judging books based on their book titles actually seems like a wildly inaccurately hit-and-miss way of gauging whether a book is worth reading. If it is any consolation (to myself, I mean; I can’t imagine that anyone else is feeling a little put-out or surprised that superficiality/literate snobbishness doesn’t pay in the end) at least I have a library full of interesting titles and no S&M porn.

I Heart Food in Books

I'm on the verge of getting sick again (what is up with you, immune system?!) and so (shock, horror) do not feel like eating nor looking at pictures of food. Let us not go into the details but suffice to say I have an extremely queasy stomach today. I will instead rely on thinking about imaginary food, which somehow manages to fill the unimaginary void in my stomach when I don't feel like eating in reality.

I found a post on Jezebel (and have since lost the link and am too lazy to google it, I apologize for my Monday Morning Laziness) about food in literature. I believe the exact title of the article was Screw the Plot: What's for Lunch?

I wouldn't go so far as screwing the plot because I'm picky enough about the books that I like and immediately and on principle reject formulaic writing, predictable plots, characters with the complexity and emotional ranges of two by four planks of wood, and Annoying Writing Styles in General, which means by definition I loathe, abhor and detest most genres, including chick lit, romance and mystery novels (yes it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to find books that I actually enjoy, let alone love), but I DO love reading about food.

And in honor of this food in literature idea I have compiled a list of the All Time Yummiest Food References in Literature (albeit most of said "literature" is actually children's books. Maybe as a child I was less picky about plot and so focused more on food? Or maybe I had a particularly hungry childhood, could be either) In My Opinion.

10. Enid Blyton's Midnight Feasts, in either the Malory Towers OR the St. Clare's series. Both boarding schools seemed to have ridiculous late night food orgies. Sausages and condensed milk and pot pies and tinned pineapples and tinned sardines and ginger beer! At midnight!

9. Ms. Trunchbull's ginormous special chocolate cake in Roald Dahl's Matilda, that she forced Bruce Bogtrotter to scarf down in front of the entire school because he dared to steal a slice of it, causing him to go into a chocolate cake coma

8. J.K. Rowlings' Hogwarts dinners. All of them. Plus anything Mrs. Weasley cooked, with butterbeer to wash it down

7. Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I want to eat the entire factory. Minus the Oompa Loompas, because they creeped me out, and also minus Willy Wonka, because I don't want him to Veruca Salt my ass for being greedy

6. Louise Fitzhugh's Harriet the Spy tomato sandwiches with mayonnaise. So simple and yet so yummy sounding that I used to make myself tomato-mayo sandwiches whenever I wanted to read the book, and I don't even LIKE mayonnaise

5. Hot butter on toast for tea in Louisa May Alcott's Little Women, preferably to be eaten while one is warming one's feet by the fire in one's flouncy 19 century dress

4. ALL the campfire/stakeout food in Blyton's Famous Five series: sausages and ginger beer and hard boiled eggs and squashed Mars Bars and treacle pudding

3. Turkish Delight in C.S. Lewis's The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. FYI for those who have never eaten it: Turkish Delight tastes like rose water crap. But I still wanted to eat it SO BADLY when the White Witch offered it to Edmund and I totally would have sold out my siblings as well just to try some

2. Assorted food in Enid Blyton's Faraway Tree series: Google buns (sticky buns with a warm, juicy middle), Toffee Shocks (toffees that would get bigger as you sucked on them and would eventually explode in your mouth, thus shocking you), Pop Biscuits (digestive type biscuits that would secrete honey with each bite) and Hot and Cold Delights (candy that would get hot and then cold and then hot and then cold and which I imagined to be some kind of bipolar ice cream bar)

1. AND THE BEST FOOD DESCRIPTION EVER: The Land of Goodies from the Faraway Tree (Blyton again). A completely 100% edible land full of candy houses and lollipop flowers and rivers of caramel and ice cream trees? CLEARLY THE WINNER.